5S’s for Marriage

My wife often exclaims “Marriage is all pains, celibacy is no pleasure.”

So let me therefore tonight take you through what she is trying to put through and what marriage means to many people and how we could make it work.

The moment we say “I Do” we embark upon a journey of complexities in life which includes the creation of new lives. This new adventure is fraught with happiness, sadness, stress and for some inner-peace.

How Does It All Start.?

Obviously, it is a relationship with the opposite sex (albeit this is changing). In this relationship, we discover the feelings of love. You will surely remember when you first fell in love, it was indeed bliss. Butterflies started swimming in your stomach and you even lost sleep over it. There was great desire to want to see your new found love and even with a pimple on her nose, she was still so beautiful. You speak of her, you think of her while you are going round doing your chores, her voice was like music to your ears and the body odour was even fragrant.

You could probably recall the first touch which was electrifying, the first hug was heavenly and the first kiss – you forgot your father’s name.

Everything she asked for you will say “I’ll do”, yes you will do but for a purpose. When you said “I’ll do”, is it because she was rich, beautiful, young or you enjoyed her companionship? Perhaps to make babies for you and to carry your brand forward or was it someone who you can look after you in old age? There again, you looked forward to enjoy family life with your partner and for her, security in life. The journey is not always smooth and you would have to put in efforts to manage the ups and downs. You will experience joy which I will not describe here, pain as in quarrels which will invariably happen as there will always be differences in opinions, views and even upbringing of off-springs. You will learn to care for each other for better or worst. If you know it is going to be for worst alone, you had better called off the marriage.

Here, it is important to learn to share the good and the bad times together while at the same time allow your partner to have time to be alone to reflect or do the things he or she likes on a quiet basis.

It is akin to baking a cake. You put in the ingredients or shall I say, efforts and then put the tray into the hot oven. Watch it leavening and the true result comes out an hour or two later. It can be a sad or happy moment when you remove the cake from the oven. Sad when it turned out flattened, happy when you have successfully baked it and then you cut the cake into pieces and happily share it. What do you do when it is flat? Try again until you work out the perfect formula to make it work.

This is your marriage and you have chosen it – why it does not work or when it is floundering you must find the most effective way to remedy it and to make it work at all costs. What are those costs and perhaps the following tips can provide some of the answers that you may be looking for.

JEALOUSY

Jealousy is one of the biggest problems in marriage but jealousy on the other hand is in itself a sign of love and if displayed in the wrong direction can be very devastating. Many people however fail to recognize the power of jealousy or even using it with the wrong intention. We must therefore learn to take control of it and overcome the element of jealousy by trust. Without trust, you can get stressed, when you mistrust your partner and start hurling accusations which may be unfounded and soon your worst fear could come true – your partner is seeing someone else. This is the result of constant quarrels due to jealousy which drives the other person to seek comfort or solace from someone more understanding than the one at home.

It is futile to try to change your partner’s habits or character. It is very difficult and also foolhardy to do so as the person has been moulded into that shape through the years and he/she is not likely to transform overnight. If you feel that there is a real need to change your partner, then you have married the wrong person. You should have discovered this before you exchange marriage vows.

Remember that in jealousy when you look at a woman or another man’s woman, there is also the possibility of another man looking at your woman too. So be careful with our eyes and watch where they roam. Jealousy is developed this way. Also remember that behind every successful man there is a woman – make sure that it is not another woman.

Also jealousy could also stem from your treatment of your children from that of your wife because too often a wife become jealous when you show too much affection for your child or children and she felt left out and that need to be addressed. Never take for granted that once you are married, the vow to be faithful will remain intact and the lack of attention is a sure way to disengage this vow.

PRIDE
Understand your man because there is the question of pride with many individuals. Many men do not say what they mean or what is in their mind and you must be a good guesser and learn to see the right signals after a while. Most men unfortunately refuse to admit being at fault and will try to get around it. For men, I must also say that after knowing your wife for a lifetime, you still will not get to understand her fully. Just live with what you have bargained for. You made that choice so you will have to live with it or at least learn to cope with it.

QUARRELS
What are quarrels? Quarrels are in fact differences in opinions. They happen everywhere with everyone from children to adults and grandparents. When two persons do not see eye to eye and engage in a shouting game, nobody hears anything and there are no winners in this shouting competition.

Remember, to give is to receive, “give it” to him, you will likewise “receive it” from him. Why not try “give in” instead of “give it” to him and see what happens. If it does not work find other methods that can work. Look for weakness and massage it to give that pride some leeway to calm down the person so that this can pave the way for reconciliation.

In a heated argument, remember to keep calm (difficult but must try) and be patient and to most importantly LISTEN as you are gifted with two ears and only one mouth for a purpose. The greatest gift in life is sometimes the ability to remain silent. The same alphabets are used in the two words – listen and silent. Silence calms the nerves. It tells tall stories too.

If partners are unable to communicate peacefully or even talk logically and effectively, there are other means of communication that can be adopted. There are such things as notes (paper is invented for this purpose) which can be left around in the house or better still, use email where the partner would be given the opportunity to read, reflect and reply to reveal his/her true feelings which most people could not see but obviously would able to read. Blessed are those who have eyes that can read but do not see.

Walking away is another possible solution to avert a major disaster when tempers flare. Do something different if normal actions cannot address the problems. Different! How? Stop the squabbling immediately, go up to your partner, give her a big hug and say “I am really sorry dear..…” This element of surprise could turn the whole event around. Do not leave unresolved issues overnight because although you may sleep with it but it will not go away. If it is resolved you will sleep better alone or otherwise.

Now, I will talk about the 5 “Ss” which if you can implement would be a boon to your relationship with your loved ones.

WINNING A QUARREL IS ACTUALLY LOSING A BATTLE

The 5-Ss are:

SORRY
It is a very powerful word which is seldom used in quarrels but if used correctly and at the right time can produce stunning results and will help to mend fences. Say it with sincerity and voluntarily and really mean it from the heart so that its full effect can be felt. I have been guilty of sometimes saying it reluctantly and it sounded like “sol lee” and trust me a woman’s ear is sharper than you think. Remember that life is short. Be the first one to say it and you have more to gain from doing so.

SURPRISE
Life would be monotonous if there is no element of surprise. Obviously, when in your courting days, you would know how to give your girlfriend a surprise when you buy her a nice gift. After you have married her, do you mean she does not need surprised gift now. Gifts need not be given on special occasions for it is somewhat expected and the surprise element is lost. But if given just to show appreciation for the care, love and attention and the little things that were done for you, would this be a good surprise far greater than a birthday gift?

There will be 101 good reasons to surprise your loved ones and it need not even be an expensive item. Who would not be happy to receive
surprises?

SPEND TIME TOGETHER
Do spend some quiet moments together. Do this at least once or twice a year – away from the hassle and buzzle of home and children. Reflect on the past – relive it for the future. Recall the things that you did together which has given you both enormous happiness and laugh heartily over them. Fond memories can and do put couples closer together.

SINCERITY WITH WORDS
Be sincere in all your deeds and words. Speak up your love and always
give reassurances to your partner all the time. Most people feel forsaken if words of love are not regularly dished out to them. There is no shame or shyness to say “I love you” even if your wife may be 80 years old. Just “Do It”.

SENSITIVITY
Always try to be sweet. Offer TLC (Tender Loving Care) because your lady is most sensitive as with most women. They are so sensitive that when you are angry and scold her, she cries; you reason with her in an argument, she cries; when she gets angry, she cries; when she gives birth, she screams then cries; and sometimes you talk to her nicely, she cries. Remember that it is woman’s nature to be sensitive about everything and so giving her a hug every day before you leave the house would auger well for a strong relationship. You will never know if that hug could well be the last that she will receive and she will remember it for life.

If the above can be practised, then MARRIAGE is here to stay.

Peter T H Koh
22.01.2012